I've been writing Shenny smut
#1
Hi
I'm new to these boards, so have probably messed my board etiquette up - any pointers/feedback are appreciated

but I've been writing some Shenny kinky smut and thought I'd share;
https://www.fanfiction.net/~delgardo 

(not found how to change my username yet)
Delgardo
My FanFics are up on FF.net and A03 - they're rather Kinky and NSFW.
https://www.fanfiction.net/~delgardo
https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delgardo/works


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#2
Hey Delgardo, great to see you aboard the HQ Smile

You can change it in your user control panel -> Your Profile
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#3
Under the black welcome bar, on the left, you’ll find grey text that says ‘user CP’
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#4
Fixed it!

thanks for your help
My FanFics are up on FF.net and A03 - they're rather Kinky and NSFW.
https://www.fanfiction.net/~delgardo
https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delgardo/works


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#5
(08-26-2018, 06:10 AM)Shelbot73 Wrote: Hi
I'm new to these boards, so have probably messed my board etiquette up - any pointers/feedback are appreciated

but I've been writing some Shenny kinky smut and thought I'd share;
https://www.fanfiction.net/~delgardo 

(not found how to change my username yet)
Delgardo

By the pic of the person with a pencil should be text that says "User CP". That's your user control panel and allows you to make an edits you think necessary to your profile. There's also a book with a question mark for the cover by the "Help" text in the upper right, should you have any other questions. If they're not answered there though, obviously, ask one of the more experience users in the site. I've only been here for about 2 days now.

As for your fic, I assume you mean the Dom/Sub fic, "Specialization is for insects"? Can't say I imagine Penny as a sub or Sheldon as a dom. To me, if they were to ever have sex, at the first few times, Penny would take the lead and show Sheldon how sex works and what she likes and what he may like and discover that from there. After Sheldon has learned all he can, I'd see them struggle for dominance in sex kinda like how they argue and banter, but I wouldn't see them fall into a Dom/Sub role. *Checks chapters* Sweet baby Jesus, 92?! *Checks Chapter 1* Well, that explains the 92 chapters. They're not exactly long, especially compared to some of the stuff I'm reading now(I've come such a long way).

Chapter 1: *Sees Penny awake mid morning on a Saturday* *SOD BROKEN* /Joking

Well, first impression upon opening and reading the very first chapter, you have some grammar/spelling issues. For example, the part where she thinks 'ah well, she thought, here comes the crazy' has no quotes or special way to denote that she's thinking so at first I thought it was a run-on sentence. Should be written as "Ah well," she thought. "Here comes the crazy." I also noticed a few lack of proper capitalizations (and a few unnecessary capitalizations here and there) at the beginning of sentences and periods at the end of them(And yes, even one word responses need periods at the end of them). It's weird, sometimes you do them properly, and then other times, in the very next sentence even, you seem to forget or drop them entirely. You also seem to intersperse your dialogue with stuff like Sheldon tapping his board in the middle of a sentence. While the added detail is nice, you could've simply added that at the end of the sentences/paragraph where he was speaking, rather than split it up, "dialogue" *action done here* "dialogue". Makes it a little clunky to read. I did genuinely laugh at the whole door sequence though. Very surprised that Penny just agreed to help him. Now, I don't know what season this was based in, but in the early seasons, I know Penny would've tried to get /something/ out of Sheldon for helping him even if she totally would, just to push the limit/fuel her shoes addiction.

Chapter 2: The little paintball scene was fun to read, albeit short. Same problems as the first chapter with the dialogue, grammar and spelling issues. Big problem is, is that this is supposed to be a /story/. You're kind of missing out on the stuff that links things from chapter to chapter. I mean, in chapter 1, you /did/ have Sheldon ask Penny to go paintballing with him, but you completely left out how they got there, the fact that Leonard(And I assume Raj and Howard since those two weren't even mentioned by name in the chapter) came, didn't even set up how the teams were arranged, where the paintball place was(Though the barn being the base was a nice touch, even though I don't know of any actual paintball places with barns. But at least it gave an indication that it was an outdoor paintball place.), if there were others there, what the weather that day was like, etc... However, I do acknowledge and like the first breadcrumb/hint of his "Dom" tendencies in this story with the whole "Sir" bit.

Chapter 3: So we skip yet another bunch of background stuff that links from chapter to chapter. I'm starting to think this maybe should've been labelled "vignettes leading to eventual Dom/Sub" instead of a story leading to said Dom/Sub stuff. Anyways, we jump right in to immediately buying a new suit. Not even given an explanation why he's getting a suit(Though I have my suspicions... The Pants Alternative episode comes to mind, though it would've been nice to have in-story confirmation. And if each chapter is based upon a canon episode, well it's been /quite/ some time since I've rewatched the show and haven't really seen many episodes past 4, sorry.). More of the same issues. Oooh, another breadcrumb and a nice allusion to the time when Sheldon tried to train Penny with chocolates(Incidentally, that episode wouldn't happen to be why you thought this up, would it?). Good girls get rewards, indeed.
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#6
Continuing from above.

CH.4: Wow. This chapter was incredibly short. Again, the usual issues cropped up. But hey, at least you /started/ Sheldon! I can't even freakin' run without getting a hitch in my side every time and I hate it. It's why I can never stick with it. And 6 minutes, 18 seconds isn't that bad for a skinny beanpole who's likely never exercised that much, if ever, before. Keep at it, is all I can say(I know, I know. Hypocritical, right?).

CH.5: Usual issues, etc... On to the actual meat of the chapter. The flash cards are an interesting way to expand their knowledge bases, but definitely useful. I would've expected Sheldon to make tests and force Penny to make her own tests and then make each other take them. Flash cards are a much better way to go. I did laugh about the Kardashian and Venn diagram comments. Then it abruptly transitions from Penny and Sheldon in Sheldon's apartment in their bathrobes into Penny's apartment with no explanation. Did they even change clothes? The background on Sheldon dancing was interesting, since I vaguely remember something in canon about Texas and cotillions? The explanation for the difference between eidetic and photographic memory was enlightening as well, though I'm not fully sure that's how it works. Then again, I don't have either and am not a medical/psychological student so I can't contest it either.

Ch.6: Usual issues... Actual chapter: So yet another abrupt transition for the latest chapter, in which Sheldon and Penny just have plans to go out. A "surprise outing" on Sheldon's part even. It was *ahem* interesting to read about Penny dressing up, but the sudden switch from her perspective to Sheldon's is jarring because you just abruptly transition within a line. No "Meanwhile" or some kind of transitive or a line break to make it less jarring. It was definitely cool(and a little scary) to see Sheldon's very organized and detail organized mind break down how long it'd take Penny to typically get ready(And he had prepared for that ahead of time, a private car no less!), her emotional state at this time of the month, and how she's doing financially. Oh wait, Leonard and Priya are together. Wait, what? When the heck was Priya ever in this story? The date itself was pretty much what I would have expected of Sheldon, a nice formal outing...complete with geeky music, lol. I did appreciate the effort you went into describing the place you had Sheldon take Penny to, as it was /much/ better an effort than than everything else so far(Still could be better though). That kiss was a very nice first kiss and definitely seems to hold the promise of "more".

So obviously, I haven't read the full thing yet(Give me time, I need sleep!). But I'd say the biggest things holding you back are the fact that you lack completely and utterly in the "filler" scenes that link things together from one chapter to the next, the lack of background details and set-up, and of course, the spelling and grammar issues(Also, the fact that you promised a /story/ when 6 chapters in and it's more like vignettes kinda holds you back). I think this has potential, even though I haven't even reached the smut yet, but in my opinion, it needs to be fleshed out drastically and/or at minimum, the grammar and spelling errors need to be cleaned up to make it truly readable(An easy way to take care of the spelling and grammar stuff is Grammarly if you feel like ever going back and cleaning it up),. That said, I'll be continuing to read this and your other stories if you want critiques on those too.
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#7
I've never seen such a detailed breakdown of someone fan fic before and I'm wondering if this is quite what Delgardo had in mind when he asked for feedback. Some fan fiction writers will ask someone to check their work before they post it, to catch any spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. I make a lot of spelling mistakes myself and have to check many times to get things right. Please remember that none of us are professional writers and that some of your remarks could be quite discouraging to someone who has never attempted fan fiction before.
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#8
Saying that, you did a really good and throughout job. Maybe you could offer to be Beta. Some of the writers here might really appreciate having someone to read through their work before its posted. I know I would. I've roped Toad (one of the moderators) into checking a chapter or two before I posted it on fanfiction.net
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#9
Hi Nostalgia
Thanks for the feedback!
To steal your turn of phrase, Sweet baby Jesus that's a lot of feedback!

I see you're pretty new here, so I've got to say its a lot more of a detailed critique than i expected, but thanks - it must have taken you some time

Seems we have a different definition of story and the long form , this starts as a series of vignettes that fit into the existing canon and modify it to the direction I'm taking. So yes, some bits are pretty short and need you to have a pretty good knowledge of TBBT to get all the references and differences. To make is a more stand along story I would need to flesh it out a lot more.

I'm no professional writer so its just been put out as fast as the ideas came, in part just to get them out of my head, it is a little raw - apologies for the spelling/ punctuation / formatting issues

Stylistically I'm trying to make it feel like the show, hence the cuts between scenes rather than the slow exposition and set up you suggest. If it's been a while since you've watched the show you may not get some of the other bits. I don't want to have to make a required viewing list to go with this so I may have to add more to connect the scenes

as things veer off from Canon I do take more time to set the scene as it's not something from the series. I try and do some research into the area, the internet is a wonderful tool and Sheldon would want to be factually accurate

Even if you can't particularly see Penny as a sub or Sheldon as a Dom I hope you read some more and enjoy it. Who knows, it may persuade you!
My FanFics are up on FF.net and A03 - they're rather Kinky and NSFW.
https://www.fanfiction.net/~delgardo
https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delgardo/works


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