10-22-2015, 05:12 AM
I think something almost like Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy is going on with A and B. (and possibly L?):
"This person is so sick, and I am the Care Giver." These people have no strong identity of their own, so they take on the role of Problem Solver and Fixer.
But of course, a Problem Solver needs a problem to solve, and if there isn't one, they will create one.
"This other person is so helpless, so deficient, so incompetent, so lost, look at what a martyr I am for putting up with them and helping them. I am brave and unselfish and capable and efficient."
They need to feel needed and they need to feel important. They need to feel indispensable, like the other person couldn't survive without them. Subconsciously, or even not-so-subconsciously, they don't *want* the other person to actually pull themselves together and do things right, because that would rob them of their role as Rescuer.
B. is pathologically controlling. WHY would she want to be married to someone whom she views as being so deficient, incompetent, and just plain *wrong* in every area of life? Why would she even want to be friends or associates with such a person, let alone claim to "love" them? Because her own identity is unformed and she needs to feel like the Leader and the one with all the answers.
Putting aside the occasional moments where she claims to find him cute or sexy ("He's the best guy I know" yeah, right
) she is getting NOTHING out of this relationship except the ability to feel powerful, important, and needed. She does not seem to need him emotionally, socially, sexually, financially, or intellectually. Her only reward in this marriage is the opportunity to look like Good Cop, the patient, long-suffering, reasonable, rational one.
***A person who is truly confident and strong and at ease with themselves does not have screaming tantrums. That is a sign of deep insecurity, instability, and fear.***
In Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, you literally make the other person sick so that you can be praised for taking care of them and managing the situation so well.
Prob. a lot of this applies to Amy, too.
The way B. micro-manages New!H is more heart-breaking, angering, and sickening for me than anything else. If someone calls Vintage!H a pervert, I'll still disagree with that, but whatev, it doesn't strike at my heart and directly contradict his earlier characterization, the way this stuff does. It's just intensely upsetting for me and I don't see how anyone finds it humorous.
That's an in-universe explanation. An out-of-universe explanation is that TPBT have no idea what a healthy relationship actually looks like, or they have some repressed fetishes about age-play, power, and sadism.
I once read somewhere, not long ago, that after a person has formed their image of you, they will find it very threatening to their own worldview if you start to divert from that box they've placed you in, and they will attempt to push you back into it. Because if *you* aren't The Messed-Up One, then...who are *they*?
A & B's baseline personalities are unpleasant and off-putting, so they won the jackpot by finding people they can off-load that baggage of "you are unpleasant and weird" onto. They are projecting. Unsurprisingly, they don't have seem to have any friends outside the group, and we've been explicitly told that B's co-workers are all afraid of her. A and B can transfer their own "ostracized for a good reason" status onto S, H, and maybe also P. It's like an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt. They've jumped at the chance to make themselves look better by comparison, feeding off S, H, and P's perceived weaknesses or deficits and thus bumping up their own place on the totem pole.
"This person is so sick, and I am the Care Giver." These people have no strong identity of their own, so they take on the role of Problem Solver and Fixer.
But of course, a Problem Solver needs a problem to solve, and if there isn't one, they will create one.
"This other person is so helpless, so deficient, so incompetent, so lost, look at what a martyr I am for putting up with them and helping them. I am brave and unselfish and capable and efficient."
They need to feel needed and they need to feel important. They need to feel indispensable, like the other person couldn't survive without them. Subconsciously, or even not-so-subconsciously, they don't *want* the other person to actually pull themselves together and do things right, because that would rob them of their role as Rescuer.
B. is pathologically controlling. WHY would she want to be married to someone whom she views as being so deficient, incompetent, and just plain *wrong* in every area of life? Why would she even want to be friends or associates with such a person, let alone claim to "love" them? Because her own identity is unformed and she needs to feel like the Leader and the one with all the answers.
Putting aside the occasional moments where she claims to find him cute or sexy ("He's the best guy I know" yeah, right
) she is getting NOTHING out of this relationship except the ability to feel powerful, important, and needed. She does not seem to need him emotionally, socially, sexually, financially, or intellectually. Her only reward in this marriage is the opportunity to look like Good Cop, the patient, long-suffering, reasonable, rational one. ***A person who is truly confident and strong and at ease with themselves does not have screaming tantrums. That is a sign of deep insecurity, instability, and fear.***
In Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, you literally make the other person sick so that you can be praised for taking care of them and managing the situation so well.
Prob. a lot of this applies to Amy, too.
The way B. micro-manages New!H is more heart-breaking, angering, and sickening for me than anything else. If someone calls Vintage!H a pervert, I'll still disagree with that, but whatev, it doesn't strike at my heart and directly contradict his earlier characterization, the way this stuff does. It's just intensely upsetting for me and I don't see how anyone finds it humorous.
That's an in-universe explanation. An out-of-universe explanation is that TPBT have no idea what a healthy relationship actually looks like, or they have some repressed fetishes about age-play, power, and sadism.
I once read somewhere, not long ago, that after a person has formed their image of you, they will find it very threatening to their own worldview if you start to divert from that box they've placed you in, and they will attempt to push you back into it. Because if *you* aren't The Messed-Up One, then...who are *they*?
A & B's baseline personalities are unpleasant and off-putting, so they won the jackpot by finding people they can off-load that baggage of "you are unpleasant and weird" onto. They are projecting. Unsurprisingly, they don't have seem to have any friends outside the group, and we've been explicitly told that B's co-workers are all afraid of her. A and B can transfer their own "ostracized for a good reason" status onto S, H, and maybe also P. It's like an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt. They've jumped at the chance to make themselves look better by comparison, feeding off S, H, and P's perceived weaknesses or deficits and thus bumping up their own place on the totem pole.